Reasons I don't love Clyde Donovan
by i fell in love with a villain
Summary: In order to prove to his sister that he doesn’t love Clyde, Craig makes a list of reasons. But things don’t go as planned...craigxclyde. SMUT/LIME. SHITTY HUMOR AND LAZY STORYTELLING.


"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"I _so_ don't!"

"It's so obvious, Craig!"

The brittle argument started a little over three minutes ago. Ever since his sister got into this 'yaoi' thing the Japanese are so damn obsessed about, she's been poking fun at Craig and his friend's, just because Kyle and Stan happened to have become public recently. It annoyed him to no end, but even more so when she suddenly barged into his room unannounced and declared that she 'knew everything about the secret love between you and Clyde!' Of course it took Craig a moment to process her words, and when he did the first thing he did was deny it. Thus, this argument began.

"How did you even draw that conclusion?" Craig finally asked after a little more of snappy words and middle fingers thrown back and forth.

She rolled her eyes. "Well, first I thought it was Tweek, since Clyde and Token are so close. But then I realized, no, wait! It has to be Clyde! Sure you hang out with Tweek a lot, but it's _Clyde _who can make you do _any_thing just by asking. And do you _see_ the way you look at him?"

At this, Craig put on a passive expression. "Are you being serious right now?"

She mirrored his expression. "As serious as ever, bro. You can either admit it or live in denial the rest of you life. Your choice."

His lip twitched. "Why the hell do you think you know so much about me?"

"Because I do. I'm your sister."

"So?"

"So!"

More twitching on Craig's part. "Clyde and I are just friends. Nothing more. Not everyone is gay, idiot."

"Uh huh, uh huh. And I'm sure the way you look at him when he's not looking is _totally_ straight….I'm sure that's how Clyde looks at all his friends, too."

"Shut up, you don't know anything."

"Your eyes when you look at Clyde remind me of Kyle's when he looks at Stan, y'know…"

"Shut. Up."

"I bet you have wet dreams about his dick in your—"

She jumped when a loud slam erupted from Craig, and the wall behind her shook, pushing her back. She blinked a couple times, staring at Craig, then clicked her tongue thoughtfully as he clenched his jaw and glared at the ground, practically sweating with rage.

"He doth protest too much."

His head shot up.

"I'll prove it to you," he ground out bitterly, "watch."

He stormed to his desk and pulled out a notebook and a crappy ballpoint pen (he never buys pens). He slammed the notebook on his desk and sat down, waving his sister over. She shrugged and obeyed, both hands on his chair, leaning over his shoulder slightly and peering expectantly at his paper.

"A list," she said, then laughed when he jot down a title. "Reasons I hate Clyde Donovan?"

Craig hesitated then scratched out the 'hate' and replaced it with 'don't love.'

"Ah, that's better," his sister said solemnly. Craig ignored her, chewing on the pen before he wrote down the first reason.

"He's a player?" her eyebrows shot up. Craig sighed heavily.

"I hate how he always goes from girl to girl like some kind of man whore. It's gross, he probably has like, fifty sexual diseases."

He grimaced at her sly smile. "Maybe you're just jealous."

He ignored her again and wrote the next reason. She laughed at the second reason.

"Because he's athletic? Explain that one to me, 'cause I don't get it."

Craig fiddled with the pen cap, agitated. "I'm lazy, okay? And I think sports are pointless and stupid. Anyway, he always smells really bad after soccer practice since he never takes a shower at the gym. So then when we meet up to hang, he smells like shit and he _knows_ I hate it, because then he gets all touchy feely and begs for a hug and clings to me, just to gross me out."

Her eyebrow quirked. "What's reason number three?"

Craig obediently wrote it down.

"He's not responsible," she read.

"Well," he explained, "he isn't. He's always late for class and doesn't seem to care. He never does work, and he's lazy as hell when it comes to things like school and work and stuff. Also, he's just not mature…once, I asked him to watch Stripe, and he forgot to feed him! When I came to pick him up, Stripe was half dead. I hate that about a person."

His sister, more than anything, looked amused. "Do go on."

Craig should have known something was up by the tone in her voice. But he was too into it now…bashing on Clyde, that is.

"Reason four," he read aloud, then put the pen down, deciding to wing it. "His sense of style is off. I mean, a bandanna? What is he from, Scooby Doo?"

His sister giggled.

"Also," he continued, "he always bites his lip. I mean, I get it; it's a habit when he's nervous, but it's irritating. His lips get all cracked and dry, and it's almost painful to look at."

She blinked and sat down on his desk then folded her legs.

"Reason five," he said, "is his voice. It's really loud and annoying. And not only that, he makes it sound all…deep and throaty without meaning to, or well, sometimes he does, and it grosses me out. Like, what, are you trying to be manly? It's annoying."

"Don't you mean sexy?" his sister said. He shot her a sharp look and she held her hands up in surrender. He continued.

"Reason six. He always looks so intense. Like, even if it's just you and him, he stares at you so seriously, even if you're talking about something stupid. It makes me feel all…awkward. I hate it."

She looked interested, which worried Craig, but he was on a roll.

"Also, he has no dignity. Like I said before, he's practically a man whore. How can I like a man whore? I can't, that's the point. He would probably strip and spread his damn legs for whoever asked him," he didn't realize how angry he was until he realized he was biting his tongue and it was bleeding.

His sister noticed.

"Hey Craig?" she said, oddly soft. He glared at her, rubbing the blood from his bottom lip.

"What?" he snapped.

"Not once," she said, and her hand moved to rest on his back, "not once, did you say anything about you both being male."

He froze.

"I don't think you forgot either," she said. "You focused on things about him that, frankly Craig, friends probably wouldn't notice about each other. And you said you hate them, but I could tell those reasons are actually reasons you love him."

Craig stared blankly at the paper.

"I know," she laughed, whacking his back so hard he nearly coughed. "You're in denial. You didn't once think 'I'm not gay!' or anything. That shows how you've thought about it, even if you didn't do it consciously, but enough not to be in so much denial about it that it's hard."

Craig finally snapped out of his daze.

"You can't say that. You're just saying it because you're into that shit. Man on man and stuff. You're just saying that so you can see us make out and stuff," he cringed. She grinned.

"That's gross, I don't wanna see my brother make out with his boyfriend. I just want to help."

He shrugged her hand off. "Well, stop, shows over. I listed my reasons."

She looked curious and slid off his desk. "Oh? You're done now?"

He nodded, praying she'd just leave already.

"Okay, well, I'll just send Clyde in then—"

"WHA!?" Craig spun in his chair, nearly hitting the wall. "Wh-what?" he repeated.

She beamed. "Oh. In the middle of your ranting, mom let Clyde in. I saw him about to come in and used my awesome mind powers to convince him to stop outside your door and listen."

Craig paled. "Uh, he heard all that?"

"Practically," she chirped, prancing to the doorway, where—_oh gawd_—Clyde stood awkwardly.

"Well, I'll let you two work things out!" she sang happily, an almost-smug glint in her eyes. Craig flipped her off as she shoved Clyde in and slammed Craig's door shut. Craig dropped his hand and hastily ripped out the notebook paper, ripping it and tossing it in the trash.

"Forget all of that," Craig said sternly. "I was just telling her why you and I aren't—mm!"

Apparently while Craig was ripping up his list, Clyde had marched on over and decided to plant one on the unsuspecting teenager. Of course, it was a bit clumsy, and wet, but oddly, Craig's surprise was of the pleasant kind. He mentally added another reason; Clyde tasted so good it pissed him off. Was that weird? Oh, yeah, it was weird.

Clyde pulls away and Craig stared at him, slightly aroused at the small string of drool that connected from his lips to Craig's. Not that he'd admit it. 'Cause that's just gay. So instead he licked his lips, just to get rid of it, but apparently that makes gay guys excited, because Clyde kissed him again. Only this time, Craig gave up, because well, you know Craig. He's lazy…he doesn't like making things hard. So he gave up his so-called 'denial' and kissed back.

Oddly, he liked this second kiss. Clyde was more assertive; his tongue pried Craig's lips open and it slithered its way in, beating around the inside of his mouth and urging his tongue to move too. Craig obeyed, and soon their tongues were intertwining, and Clyde was withered against him making little sighing noises.

Craig still didn't know what the fuck was going on.

He also didn't know why his mind became hazy and his body moved faster than his mind, because suddenly he was flipping Clyde onto his back, still kissing him, and hovered above him on his knees. Clyde was nipping his bottom lip, and Craig went wild with primal desire—screw the fact this is best friend, a man at that!—and well, he went…wild…with primal desire. Literally. Sort of.

He didn't know what to do at first, since he's been straight up 'till then, but he was too drunk on Clyde and just went with his gut. He gingerly lowered himself down and his crotch was pressed against Clyde's. At the contact, Clyde let out a weird noise—Craig suddenly recognized it as a moan. Somehow, it was way girlier than he expected, and that made a smug smirk work its way onto his face.

"Craig, Craig," Clyde panted underneath him as they pulled away from the kiss. Clyde desperately arched his back, pressing harder, whining for more contact. Craig was surprised at this slutty reaction; well, Clyde was a man whore, but with girls. He highly doubted girls did this kind of stuff with him. Basically, this was both of their first time…with another guy. Doing anything, really.

Suddenly Clyde rolled his hips, and Craig growled. He licked Clyde's ear as Clyde basically dry humped Craig from below (which, let me tell you, must be pretty hard) which earned little gasps and grunts from our beloved seme, who was busy fucking Clyde's ear and his neck with his teeth and tongue. They were both pretty much wild dogs in heat, biting and licking and humping blindly.

"Ungh!" Clyde suddenly gasped out, and his hips shuddered, "Oh! Fuck! C-Craig!" he breathed, and grinded his hard (and throbbing, a sheepish Craig noted) arousal against Craig's once more, before he exploded and saw stars. Craig, by hearing and seeing his best friend come, came as well, growling and hissing as he dirtied his pants, before collapsing next to his friend. He was slightly annoyed, because he got nasty white all over his new Red Racer underwear. Yeah, he still watched that show.

They were both panting and just laid there.

"You smell," Craig finally said after catching his breath. Clyde laughed.

"I just had practice."

"Ugh," Craig groaned, "go shower, will ya?"

Silence. Craig looked over, worried he'd offended him, but saw Clyde was grinning at him.

"If you'll take one with me."

Craig snorted, looking up when his sister walked in. She looked amused, one eyebrow quirked and all, but also a bit disturbed.

"You're aware the walls are paper thin?"

Craig paled and Clyde looked mortified.

"Lucky for you, the 'rents went out. So only I got to hear your little…escapade."

Craig covered his face with his hand and Clyde tried to pull Craig's covers to hide his wet pants. But, too late, little sister saw it and burst into laughter.

"I wish I came in sooner to see _that_," she joked, wiping a tear of mirth from her eye. "Well, I just came to tell you that maybe you should stop doing it here since our walls are thin. Oh, and you're welcome for getting you two stubborn idiots together. Although, usually confessions come _before_ the smut…" she grinned. "Ah, but this is fine too."

She was answered by two horrified stares.

"Well, seems you're in shock. I'll leave you two. Mom and dad won't be back 'till late, and I'm off to club. So, go at it, sex fiends. No pants required."

She slammed the door shut, and well, Craig and Clyde did just that.

And yeah.

They didn't use pants this time.

* * *

**AUTHOR'SCORNER  
**afterthought

*stares at fic* um.....WHAT IS THIS? *sob*

PLEASE, SOMEONE TELL ME. D: I-I HAVE NO IDEA. I just started writing, and it's 1:05 in the morning here, so I'm dead tired and I just recovered from swine flu, so I feel groggy and weak. It's just....yaoinonsense to ease my pain. XD YAOI; MY PAINKILLER.


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